


i choose my own way to burn

by reptilianraven



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-22
Updated: 2013-09-22
Packaged: 2017-12-27 07:44:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/976231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reptilianraven/pseuds/reptilianraven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Newt doesn’t want to survive, he wants to fucking <i>live</i>. He figures that if anything is going to challenge that belief, they better be worth it, like he can’t die via choked-on-a-tic-tac or tumble-down-the-stairs. Nothing is going to be given the opportunity to destroy him unless that thing is at least as amazing as he is.</p>
<p>The first thing that met his standards attacked San Francisco and shook the earth to its core.</p>
<p>The second one was Hermann.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i choose my own way to burn

**Author's Note:**

> "dont write anything for pacific rim" i told myself and look wheRE I AM NOW
> 
> the title and slight inspiration for this fic is from a quote from Sophie Scholl which can be found [here](http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/217576-the-real-damage-is-done-by-those-millions-who-want)

Newt figured out that he was better pretty early in life. 

Better at what? Well, a lot of things. Learned faster, solved quicker, asked the right questions and saw the right answers, second youngest student to be accepted into MIT along with six doctorates before the age of twenty five.

_I’m a fucking rockstar,_ he tells himself because that’s the least obnoxious and least narcissistic version of _I’m amazing and I know it I could do things you couldn’t so get out of my way and don’t slow me down_ that he can come up with and bring himself to say because, hey, a precocious childhood surrounded by those who weren’t as good as him never really taught him how to be humble.

He was better and he knew it, so if Newt was going to do anything it had to match up with something he deems worthy. Never settle for anything less because what kind of life was that? A safe one? Ha. Sounds boring, and Newt is the opposite of boring, he’s a fucking rockstar. If he’s going to do something with his life it has to be big. This attitude didn’t play well with others and names always get thrown around like _freak, weirdo, idiot, showoff, insane, madman._ But he doesn’t let it bother him because those petty things don’t deserve his irritation, or hell, they don’t even deserve his attention. He’s going to live big and if he's going to get hurt it’s got to have a bang.

Because Newt doesn’t want to survive, he wants to fucking _live_. He figures that if anything is going to challenge that belief, they better be worth it, like he can’t die via choked-on-a-tic-tac or tumble-down-the-stairs. Nothing is going to be given the opportunity to destroy him unless that thing is at least as amazing as he is.

Then of course, a giant monster attacks San Francisco and the world goes into a frenzy.

Newt is astounded.

How else should he feel?

It’s terrible and he knows it, all the death and tragedy is terrible and this thing killed thousands and devastated millions and he isn’t going to deny that fact but,

But what?

He gets it tattooed onto his skin at a parlor so seedy that nobody gives a shit and he goes home with his newest, greatest challenge inked in and the needle stung and he let it hurt because it was worth it. He has his greatest challenge inked in and he looks at himself and he sees a puzzle and he thinks _I’m gonna solve you so fucking hard that you’ll be limping in the morning._ The tattoos don’t really make his life any easier though. Doesn’t matter how smart he is or how much he has to offer because everybody can’t see past the ink and the messy hair and the glasses too big and he wishes that he could just have somebody who is good enough to _see_ him.

Newt never believed that wishes came true but he ends up getting hired for his expertise he meets Dr. Hermann Gottlieb.

When they meet for the first time, they both make their assumptions.

He looks at him, and for a second, he only sees a stuck up rationalist wrapped up in a sweater vest who glanced at Newt and only saw the ink and the hair and the glasses, but then that aforementioned stuck up sweater vest wear-er does a double take. His eyes scan over Newt and when they come up to his face Newt flashes a manic smile that would make most people look away.

He doesn’t look away. Instead he scowls.

He scowls as if Newt is the most illogical thing to grace his eyesight and that’s probably what he’s thinking. They’re going to be working with each other so they know enough about the others work, Newt thinks he’s impressive and he’s willing to bet that Dr. Gottlieb thought the same thing until he actually saw him. The things on paper didn’t match up with the expectations he drew in his head because, yeah, he saw the ink and the hair and the glasses but he saw more and probably thought _“Really?”_ and now he’s trying to fit a puzzle piece into a spot that isn’t right and Newt hopes that he feels either confused, conflicted or intrigued.

“Dr. Geizsler,” He says as he acknowledges Newt’s existence with a nod of the head.

“Dr. Hermann Gottlieb, pleasure to meet you,” and Newt just can’t fucking resist, “You can call me Newt.”

His eyes narrow at him and Newt relishes every millisecond of it.

Dr. Hermann Gottlieb sees a man that doesn’t make sense.

Newt sees a man that could possibly rival the giant monsters that came out of the sea.

-

Working together was an obvious disaster. 

Well it was a disaster depending who you asked. If you asked any of the seven billion living human beings on this earth who wasn’t Newton Geizsler, they would tell you it was a goddamn disaster. How did they know it was a disaster? Well it doesn’t take a rocket scientist, actually it doesn’t take anything at all, you’d know it if you wanted to or not because there is just so much _shouting_ that emanates from their lab.

On the other hand, Newt sees it as the perfect sync of two opposing forces and sometimes, random people who had any ounce of a brain (or any remnant of audial perception) would ask him “You guys really hate each other huh?”

To which he would promptly answer: “Are you kidding me? The guy is a fucking dream.”

Their shared lab has a sickeningly cliché contrast with each other. On one side there are kaiju organs everywhere along with various pieces of deconstructed _somethings_ that seem to have been reconstructed into machines, the papers on this side are always in a state of perpetual disarray and if you walk on this half you are bound to step on another…… _something_ , it’s honestly best left unquestioned. The other side is practically lined with chalkboards and every file has a proper place and is always in its proper place and it’s almost as if this half cowers in fear when its inhabitant walks inside. 

On one memorable occasion, Hermann just suddenly has this [weird ass kinetic stick sculpture spinny thing](http://www.amazon.com/Swinging-Sticks-Kinetic-Energy-Sculpture/dp/B001AXR9L4/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top/183-7553401-9028404) on his desk and Newt is pretty sure that he put it there just to piss him off and it works because he spends an embarrassing amount of time staring at it feeling increasingly aggravated as it just _spins_.

“Why do you even have that thing? It should piss you off too you know, perpetual motion shouldn’t be a thing, even if it’s influenced by magnets.”

“I haven’t the slightest idea on what you’re going on about Dr. Geizsler.”

“Oh my fucking god.”

On some days, shit just gets out of control, and he guesses that that’s to be expected when you have somebody like Hermann in a room with somebody like Newt. So that ever present tension paired with unfortunate coincidences (Newt has absolutely _no idea_ how the spinny stick thing just disappears into thin air. No idea at all.) just ends up devolving into more loud shouting matches. Newt’s voice was always very loud, his voice was always loud enough to harbor side glances of irritation in crowded places but he makes it even louder just for Hermann. He spouts insults at him and Hermann throws them right back and Newt lets it hurt.

He lets himself get affected because Hermann is, honestly, deserving of that.

But apparently the emotion he was showing on his face was not hurt, not even sad, he was smiling, and that probably pissed Hermann off even more. Newt realizes that he can’t even bring himself to feel hurt because he’s just so fucking happy that he found something that he wouldn’t mind getting hurt by.

Of course the kaiju are there, but he can only experience them through the dead organs he dissects on his table. Meanwhile, he has a live specimen right here on the other half of this lab and it is a stuck up sweater vest wearing mathematician who rolls his r’s too much and practically frowns at Newt’s entire being.

-

The kaiju keep on coming and time passes.

And there are these very small, very subtle changes that Newt never notices fast enough.

Newt has always had this bad habit where he doesn’t quite feel things when they happen, he figures that he just goes too fast to notice things so he only sees them later. He lives in memories and things that already passed. He experiences things through ghosts of what were once the present. 

The shouting is still loud as ever but they do it because they’re used to it. The malice in every word is gone and he wonders if there was ever any malice at all. He was walking once and he stopped dead in his tracks when he realized that Hermann actually calls him Newton instead of Dr. Geizsler and he doesn’t fuss when Newt calls him Hermann and he wonders when the hell this happened.

There was a particularly slow day when there wasn’t as much work to do and everything was considerably more relaxed than usual, and Newt will have said something that actually made Hermann smile. But it only lasts for a second because he sees Newt staring and he puts his grandpa scowl back on before Newt can even register what he just saw because Hermann’s smile is really cute and this thought train took a quick turn to sounding super lame _oh fuck._

He wants to see it again. He thinks he might be turning into a thief because he wants to steal glances of that smile and it will take him a while to realize that he just actually wants more than just glances of his smile, he wants more and it he will only realize this later because Newt has a bad habit of experiencing things through ghosts of what were once the present.

He knows that it’s dangerous to want what he wants but since when was he a careful man? He picks apart the innards of giant monsters and he thinks Hermann is dangerous? (yes). He trusts him though, he trusts him in some fucked up mutual-respect-for-each-others-brilliance kind of way but with more of a spin.

Newt’s definition of trust is somehow correlated with his definition of worth so he reinvents both. For some people, trust is giving somebody a loaded gun and letting them point it at you. The difference with Newt’s definition is that 1) he’s only going to give the gun to somebody who is worth it, somebody who is at least as great as he is and 2) he would be totally okay if he got shot anyways.

In Newt’s neat little metaphor, Hermann is pointing a loaded gun right at his head. Hermann doesn’t really seem like the gun kind of guy though, like if Newt actually gave him an actual gun, he bets that Hermann would just fling it at his face. But the point is that Newt gave him this hypothetical gun because he is amazing and totally worth it and it would be a pleasure to be destroyed by someone like him. Of course it would be an honor to be destroyed by a kaiju, but kaiju are too big and they could just step on him to kill him so it would be a waste of time for them to try and manipulate a tiny gun so that messes with Newt’s neat metaphor.

He wonders if Hermann feels the same way. He wonders if they are both hypothetically standing in front of each other pointing hypothetical guns at the other’s head with their fingers on the hypothetical trigger. Newt would never shoot Hermann in the head though, not even hypothetically, he wouldn’t do that to such a magnificent brain.

He wonders if Hermann feels the same way. Chances aren’t zero, but they aren’t very high either.

Well it doesn’t matter. Get hypothetically shot, not get hypothetically shot, the world is ending and that is very real.

And it occurs to him that it might not matter how great he is or who he trusts because that can’t stop these giant monsters and the fact that _they’re winning._

He’s most probably gonna die via starvation-due-to-kaiju-infested-wasteland but he would really rather die via hypothetical-trust-gun. Well, he can have all the death preferences he wants but he will never be good enough to actually choose.

But he fucks up the rules and he makes up another choice when it’s two in the morning and he snaps his pencil in half with one hand because he figures out how to drift with a kaiju. 

Imagine, his tiny mind connecting with this huge and vast unknown.

More than just an organ on his table.

More than just somebody who won’t feel the same way.

Sadly, his idea, whilst brilliant, also has a 99.9% chance of ending with a very dead Newton Geizsler. So predictably, his idea was denied. He wasn’t expecting them to say yes, but they should have expected him to try it anyways because he was never one to play by the rules.

So he has the switch in his hand, a makeshift drift built out of deconstructed somethings at his back, and a part of a kaiju brain on his front. He’s a fucking rockstar and this is his stage dive, he could get caught by the crowd or he could drop to his doom and break his neck. But he is fine either way because it would be pretty rad dying via drift-with-a-kaiju-brain.

He records his little monolog that might possibly be his final words to the world and he says to Hermann “You drove me to do this,” and he isn’t lying. That bastard just _had_ to set the bar so high and be so great that he has ruined every other human on this planet for Newt because nobody is going to be as great as him, because nothing other than the giant monsters from the sea can go against Dr. Hermann Fucking Gottlieb. It faintly registers to Newt that if he _does_ die, that one line might actually inflict a great amount of guilt onto Hermann, but Newt is sure that he is smart enough to figure out that Newt isn’t trying to make him feel guilty or anything. It’s just that “You drove me to do this,” is the closest version of “You’re amazing and brilliant and you could kill me and I’d be fucking ecstatic” he can come up with and bring himself to say because, hey, a life surrounded by people who weren’t as good as him never taught him how to start waxing poetic on another person’s greatness.

So with that, he presses the button and he lets his brain get pulled into something so large. He loses himself to this predatory, animalistic, visceral, angry thing and he’s gone.

Fucking gone.

Then he wakes up. He wakes up to the feeling somebody’s frantic hands on him and the repeated string of “Newton you idiot, you reckless, irresponsible, suicidal _child._ ” Newt opens his eyes to see the most amazing person in the world looking like they just lost the most important thing.

That–

That doesn’t really compute in Newt’s head.

Not now at least.

The next few hours are a literal blur because he’s told to drift again then he’s in the heart of the city getting soaked by the rain then he gets a knife stuck up his nose by some tall asshole who later grabs his face and stares him in the eye and calls him an idiot and Newt thinks _sorry man only one guy can call me an idiot and you aren’t him_. Then he gets various guns pointed at him then he’s in a kaiju bunker. He nearly gets eaten by the Otachi and he almost gets eaten by Otachi Jnr. Twice. Everything is a literal blur of adrenaline and fear and before he knows it he's setting up the second drift with the dead baby kaiju and Hermann is there and he says,

“I’ll do it with you.”

Newt has always had this bad habit not feeling things when they happen but only understanding them once they are ghosts of what were once the present. So by this point in time, that face Hermann was making back when Newt woke up from the first drift finally makes sense and he realizes _wow I am a bit of an idiot who knew?_

The face Hermann is making _now_ doesn’t register yet.

He will only realize it after the last two jaegers drop down to the ocean.

He will only realize it after the breach is destroyed and the kaiju are gone.

He will only realize it when everybody is celebrating and Hermann awkwardly inches up to his side and they look at each other with their matching bloodshot eyes and Newt slings an arm over his shoulders.

He will only realize that afterwards, and well, better late than never right?

What is currently happening is Hermann attempting to understand how a handshake with a human hand works followed by a smile that Newt doesn’t have to steal. Newt thinks _alright he isn’t exactly a rockstar but I can look past that fact_ and Newt figured out pretty early on that he was better but as he presses the button to activate the drift with Hermann and a dead kaiju, he doesn’t feel better than anything. He just feels fucking good.

**Author's Note:**

> i have one of the kinetic stick sculptures that was mentioned and let me tell you, they can get really aggravating at times
> 
> honestly this fic was an excuse to integrate the spinning sticks into a situation with hermann and newt


End file.
